Jesus warned us that this life would have difficulties. He himself suffered insults and injury from the people He came to save. For that matter before we came to Christ, we were counted as enemies of God. So how does God want us to face these difficult people and situations? How should we respond to those whose actions hurt or disappoint us?
In this series titled "Walking in the Way" I will continue to compare the three paths: Walking in defeatedness, walking in arrogance and walking in the way of God. Each has its own response to being hurt or disappointed by others. If you are a Christian then your response should be consistent with with Christ's teaching. But sometimes we don't always walk in that; instead we walk in our flesh and do what seems right to us. We either use the model we saw are parents use or we swear an oath of sorts in how we will deal with people who hurt us in the future; swearing that we will never let that happen again. I would like to challenge you to read my perspective on the two paths that are not God's way and see if you may not be walking in them. I know that I have found myself walking in them from time to time. I will conclude with the path less traveled - The Way of God - and give some suggestions in how we might better glorify God in our lives as we deal with difficult people and situations.
Note: You may notice below that I switch back and forth between 3rd, 2nd and 1st person. I have done this purposely to show that its not just others nor is it just us; the shoe may fit on either foot.
Brokenness
When a person is walking in brokenness, they don't know how to confront or to make amends. When they are hurt, chances are they will just withdraw. When we are walking in brokenness our expectations are not very high. Oh we would like to be loved and treated well, but the soul suffering from brokenness kind of says, "Go a head, everyone else does."
When we walk in this place of brokenness, we would like God or someone to vindicate us, to make things right, but we lack the faith or resolved to do anything about it. To test if you are walking in brokenness ask yourself this question. "When is the last time that I confronted someone who hurt me?" If you cannot think of a recent occurrence then you might be walking in brokenness.
Arrogance
Whether one walks in arrogance because they are trying to hide their ineptitude/brokenness or if it is because we think we are better than others, the result is usually the same - blame and/or retaliation. I know, looking into my past, that I have often cut off those who hurt or disappointed me. People walking in arrogance think forgiveness is weakness. I have heard people utter the words, "I will never forgive them!" Arrogance doesn't make allowances for reconciliation or it demands so much that reconciliation isn't possible.
For the person walking in arrogance so as to hide their faults, they are afraid to confront someone. They are afraid of refusal or having to further compromise their life. For the arrogant person who thinks they are better than others, they cannot imagine that they could be wrong so when they are offended, it will require some form of retribution to punish the offending party to ensure they will not let you down or offend you again. Arrogance isn't interested in reconciliation is focused on self-love and self-protection.
Two of the ways I see arrogant people getting retaliation is to demand apologies - especially the kind that shame the offender - or to demand some sort of recompense like; "You must bring me gifts every day to prove your love for me and to make up for what you have done." Not that recompensing those wronged it a bad thing, but the demanding of it demonstrates a form of self-love that puts the arrogant person above others. So whether you try to shame those who offend you or demand some sort of recompense for the offense, you are putting self first which will never lead to true reconciliation.
Another thing that can trip us up when we are walking in arrogance is thinking that people purposely did something to hurt us. Because arrogance thinks itself the most important person; the center of their universe, then everything revolves around the us/them. So if someone hurts or offends us, it must have been done knowingly and on purpose. It's all about me!
My wife has a helpful way to get past that. When someone does something out of the ordinary or something we could be offended by, she just says, "May be they have gas." Which is to say maybe there is something going in the other person's life that is not readily noticeable that is affecting them.
To test whether you are walking in arrogance ask yourself this question: "When was the last time someone hurt or disappointed/failed me and I sought to be reconciled to them instead of cutting them off or retaliating somehow?" If you have been hurt and you have chosen to cut others off or to retaliate or shame them, then you may be walking in arrogance.
The Way Less Traveled - The Way of God
In the 18th chapter of the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus gives us a model for how to deal with conflict. Some refer to it as the "Church discipline" passage. Referring to this passage this way creates an unfortunate expectation that somehow it's primarily the responsibility of church leadership to resolve differences. But if we look at the passage closely we will see that Jesus' main intent was to maintain unity in the body. Step one says "If someone sins against you, go to them tell them how they hurt you and if they listen you have won back your brother of sister." (Matt 18:15 - Preacher Al's paraphrase). As I understand this scripture, Jesus' desire is for us to be restored to our brother or sister when they have done something to hurt or offend us. We are not called to immediately run to others and tell them about it (that's gossip) nor are we called to just sulk about it. Jesus wants us to do everything in our power to remain in relationship with others in the body.
So when we are walking in God's way, we want to pursue reconciliation even in the face of being deeply hurt. And step two (Matt. 18:16) where we bring others into the problem is intended to reveal the truth, not necessarily to vindicate us. When we are walking in God's way, we will seek godly wise counsel even if it leads to finding out we were not 100% right. The goal remains when walking in the way, to be reconciled wherever possible. The remaining verses of this passage deal with the individual who refuses to admit to wrongdoing even when wise counsel has determined that their actions were wrong. At this point it becomes the determination of the Church to decide what to do with the offending individual. If they are a cheat, a liar, a social predator, then the church has an obligation to protect the flock and expel such a person.
But for most of us trying to walk in the Way of God, I would be more inclined consider scriptures that say we are to consider others over our self or that we are to always forgive. When Peter asks about how often we should forgive others he says, being super spiritual, "Up to seven times?" Jesus response seems almost like overkill, "Not seven times, but seventy times seven!" Which I take to mean "Always Forgive". Personally it reminds me of how much and how often God is willing to forgive me, when I come back to Him.
For the child of God, who has been redeemed at a great price, forgiveness and reconciliation are the operative words when we find ourselves being hurt or offended by others. Christ died for us while we were yet sinners (rebelling against Him). God didn't wait for us to get our stuff together before He reached out to us. This serves as an example for us, that we are to always, wherever possible, reach out and try to be reconciled to our brothers and sisters in Christ. The Way of Christ is the way of love.
So when we are walking in God's way, we want to pursue reconciliation even in the face of being deeply hurt. And step two (Matt. 18:16) where we bring others into the problem is intended to reveal the truth, not necessarily to vindicate us. When we are walking in God's way, we will seek godly wise counsel even if it leads to finding out we were not 100% right. The goal remains when walking in the way, to be reconciled wherever possible. The remaining verses of this passage deal with the individual who refuses to admit to wrongdoing even when wise counsel has determined that their actions were wrong. At this point it becomes the determination of the Church to decide what to do with the offending individual. If they are a cheat, a liar, a social predator, then the church has an obligation to protect the flock and expel such a person.
But for most of us trying to walk in the Way of God, I would be more inclined consider scriptures that say we are to consider others over our self or that we are to always forgive. When Peter asks about how often we should forgive others he says, being super spiritual, "Up to seven times?" Jesus response seems almost like overkill, "Not seven times, but seventy times seven!" Which I take to mean "Always Forgive". Personally it reminds me of how much and how often God is willing to forgive me, when I come back to Him.
For the child of God, who has been redeemed at a great price, forgiveness and reconciliation are the operative words when we find ourselves being hurt or offended by others. Christ died for us while we were yet sinners (rebelling against Him). God didn't wait for us to get our stuff together before He reached out to us. This serves as an example for us, that we are to always, wherever possible, reach out and try to be reconciled to our brothers and sisters in Christ. The Way of Christ is the way of love.
