Dealing with Transgressions Part II - When our actions and choices hurt others

As I consider the "Way of God" (walking in confidence and humility) I can see where it applies to so many situations.   My hope for the following blogs is to touch on many of these topics -- to look at them from all three perspectives; from the brokenness, the arrogant and from Godly ways.  I remind you that I see both the arrogant and the brokenness perspectives as forms of idolatry.  The person walking in brokenness sees his or her problems as being too big for God to handle or maybe they think that they are so bad that God would never want to help them.  The arrogant person appears to think that they don't need God and that they themselves are the answer to every problem that comes their way.  Both of these kinds people are difficult to be around, but both need God's love.

But my intent here is not to point out these people's flaws so that we can condemn them nor is it specifically my intent to bring understanding of them.  I am more concerned with encouraging all of us to "examine our ways" to see if our attitudes and actions really line up with what I believe to be God's best for us.  What are we walking in?  Is it humility and confidence or is it fear, doubt, worry unbelief and self-deception?

I would like to point out that we all may move in one of these three paths from time to time, depending upon the circumstances, our abilities and/or our mood.  My intent is not to label people walking these paths.  My hope is that through this article that you will recognize which path you are walking in and will work to cooperate with God's ways.  Now on to this post's topic which is"How do we react or walk when we realize that we have caused someone else pain, or difficulty?"

Jesus promised us that we would have difficulties in this world, but his Holy Spirit and his teachings encourage us to be those who overcome life's trials; not that we will always succeed.  One of the harder types of difficulties we have to deal with are transgressions; where either someone does something that hurts us, or where we do something that hurts someone else.  Often times we want to take issue with the intent saying, "Oh they meant to do that!" or "That wasn't really MY intent!"  Here I will examine the notion of our being the transgressors.

Brokenness

When a person is walking in brokenness, they don't know how to or are unable to confront or to make amends.  I believe that while people are walking in brokenness, they/we have difficulty seeing how to deal with others' needs.  They/we are barely maintaining their/our own lives.  In fact their/our lives may be completely out of control.  When dealing with others they/we don't mean to cause offense but they/we just can't seem to see past their/our own wants and desires (which is often wrongly categorized as "needs").  These wants and desires are mostly "felt needs."  They/we think they/we need this or that to live or to be happy.  Consequently we/they do things that may offend or harm others while trying to attain those felt needs.

When we are walking in brokenness  we feel bad when we are caught.  We are not truly sorry for our actions.  We might feel sorry that we got caught or we are sorry that our actions have resulted in a break in relationship.  Broken people won't often seek to apologize, rather they hope that no one will notice. They hope that the topic won't be brought up, it will be forgotten or that others won't know that they were responsible.  When confronted, a broken person may feign ignorance of the situation or act appalled.  When confronted they/we may act sheepish, embarrassed or may break into tears.  Broken people may also apologize profusely and pledge to make it right.  The reality is that when we are walking in this path, we are really not thinking about true restoration, but rather merely hoping that the problem will go away by itself.

Arrogance

When we are walking in arrogance the creed seems to be "It wasn't my fault" or "You deserved it!"  Like the person walking in brokenness, arrogance see oneself as the most important person.  The way it presents is quite different though.  While the person walking in brokenness seems to feel some sort of guilt for what they did, the person walking in arrogance refuses to take responsibility.  Sometimes they will try to shift the blame back on to the offended person.  

I really think there are two paths leading into arrogance.  The first is fear; fear of being found out.  When we walk in this kind of arrogance we know we are wrong, but fear to face the consequence of being found out.  So we deny that we have done anything wrong, and refuse to make amends  because that would be an admission of wrongdoing.

The second path into arrogance is self-deceit.  We find ourselves here when we become so convinced of our rightness that there can be no admission of wrong.  "I know I am right so therefore I can do no wrong."  I find myself walking in this when I become convinced that I am the expert on a particular topic.  

Regardless of how a person comes to find themselves walking in the way of arrogance, the results are the same.  They can admit no wrong doing.  They refuse to accept that something is their fault.  They  see no need to try to reconcile.  Our thinking when we are walking here is often "They (the offended party) just need to get over it and move on."

The Way Less Traveled - The Way of God

One of the significant motivations of someone walking in the ways of Jesus is to maintain relationship (loving others).  This is consistent with the greatest commandment.  When we transgress against someone else, even if it was unintentional, chances are we have done something to break fellowship.  If we do nothing to right any wrong, caused by selfishness or simple oversight, then we are failing to love our neighbor.  Christ calls for us to love even our enemies, so then love demands some sort of action.

In the "Sermon on the Mount" in Matt. 5:23-25 Jesus tells us that if we are approaching God with our gift/worship and in that moment we remember/realize that someone else has something against us then Jesus tells us to leave our gift at the altar and to go and be reconciled with our brother or sister.  This is huge.  Jesus is telling us that we cannot have a relationship with God when we have broken relationship with others. The Apostle John tells us in his first epistle that if we hate another member of the faith, then we don't love God, or that the Love of God doesn't dwell in us.

Before I continue, I remind you that we cannot walk in the ways of God, without God's help.  Jesus sent us the the Holy Spirit to dwell in us, to both remind us of Christ's teaching and to give us to power to walk in his ways.  This is not some human philosophy that we practice out of sheer force of will.  It is a cooperative work between God and us.  He lays out the ways we are to live, then He grants us the power to keep his commandments.  God's desire for us to be reconciled with one another stems out of God's purposes at work in us.  He created us to live in community, He gave us rules for living with one another and through Christ's death and resurrection He is made us capable of living together.  We are new creations made in or remade in His Image. We are empowered to enter the process of redemption and renewal so that we will be the people whose lives are a manifestation of The Love of God.   

So then, as God's redeemed people we must do everything in our power and with God's strength to repair godly relationships.  Christ died to pay the price of everyone's sin.  He lived a life of example for us to follow and sent the Holy Spirit to testify to the truth of God's ways.  Now I am not saying that we need to live in the fear of hurting someone else's feelings, but I am saying that we must take others into consideration when we chose to act or speak.  Our actions or lack of them, affect others.  Our words have the power to heal or to hurt.

As I understand Scripture, the only way we can accomplish this is to dwell in and live out humility.  Humility says that I am not the most important person.  Humility says that all people have value in God's eyes and so I must treat them as such.  Humility is the way of love.  It doesn't demand it's one way but instead seeks the betterment of others.  I don't mean that we become solicitous and bow and grovel around other people or lie to them trying to win their approval.  Rather I am saying that we all need to recognize that every human being, regardless or race, gender or national origin is made in the image of God.  When we dishonor other people, snub them or take advantage of them, we dishonor not only them, but we dishonor God in our lives.

Now looking at others as beings created in the image of God, doesn't mean we have to do whatever they ask of us.  If anyone asks us to do something immoral or illegal then we are not under obligation to comply.  For example - if an alcoholic asked you for booze or for money to buy booze your are under no obligation to do that but as a God honoring person you can and should look for ways to help such a person.  You could buy them a meal, you could talk to them about Christ, or you could help them get in touch with an organization that could help them like AA or Teen Challenge.  Helping others is not giving them what they want; it's giving them what they need.

Getting back to the topic at hand.  When we have done something to injure, insult, malign or otherwise hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally, Jesus puts the requirement on us to make amends as soon as we realize that we were the source of someone else's pain.  The objective in Christ's sight is always, what can you do to restore relationship.  Too often we get stuck on who was right and who was wrong.  Christ's sacrifice on the cross makes that irrelevant. He has paid for our sins and he has paid for the sins others have committed against us.  We are then obligated to try to restore godly relationships whatever it may cost us.

Abusive Relationships

I will offer one caveat.  We are not obligated to restore abusive relationships.  We are required to forgive our abusers, but we don't have to submit ourselves to emotional and physical abuse in our efforts to restore relationships.  So if you were the abuser then do not demand that others be restored to you.  You must first be "cured" or "healed" of your abusive nature before seeking to be restored to those you abused.

Seeking Help

Finally I would also suggest that you do not try to restore difficult relationships on your own.  Find a pastor, counselor or elder who demonstrates wisdom and peace to help you.  Christ gave us each other and the gifts of the Spirit so that we could help one another and build up the people in the body of Christ.  And keep in mind that the goal (wherever possible) is the restoration of godly relationship.

Dealing with Transgressions Part I - When people hurt us

Life can be pretty hard.  Its not bad enough that we grow old and lose control of our bodies.  To add insult to injury there seems to be people all around us who manage to make life difficult and seem to almost go out of their way to hurt us.  What is even sadder is that many of these people are in the body of Christ.

Jesus warned us that this life would have difficulties.  He himself suffered insults and injury from the people He came to save.  For that matter before we came to Christ, we were counted as enemies of God.  So how does God want us to face these difficult people and situations?  How should we respond to those whose actions hurt or disappoint us?

In this series titled "Walking in the Way" I will continue to compare the three paths: Walking in defeatedness, walking in arrogance and walking in the way of God.  Each has its own response to being hurt or disappointed by others.  If you are a Christian then your response should be consistent with with Christ's teaching.  But sometimes we don't always walk in that; instead we walk in our flesh and do what seems right to us.  We either use the model we saw are parents use or we swear an oath of sorts in how we will deal with people who hurt us in the future; swearing that we will never let that happen again.  I would like to challenge you to read my perspective on the two paths that are not God's way and see if you may not be walking in them.  I know that I have found myself walking in them from time to time.  I will conclude with the path less traveled - The Way of God - and give some suggestions in how we might better glorify God in our lives as we deal with difficult people and situations.

Note: You may notice below that I switch back and forth between 3rd, 2nd and 1st person.  I have done this purposely to show that its not just others nor is it just us; the shoe may fit on either foot.

Brokenness

When a person is walking in brokenness, they don't know how to confront or to make amends.  When they are hurt, chances are they will just withdraw.  When we are walking in brokenness our expectations are not very high.  Oh, we would like to be loved and treated well, but the soul suffering from brokenness kind of says, "Go a head, everyone else does."  

Those walking in brokenness really won't ordinarily confront others.  When we walk in brokenness our expectation is that the wrongs of the world are just too great (for us or God) and there is nothing that we can really do about it.  Even if someone apologizes for their actions the person walking in brokenness may say "It's okay".  We say this not because its really okay, but rather because we are more afraid of offending the party that hurt us than receiving justice.  When we are walking in brokenness we somehow expect to be abused or over looked.  

When we walk in this place of brokenness, we would like God or someone to vindicate us, to make things right, but we lack the faith or resolved to do anything about it.  To test if you are walking in brokenness  ask yourself this question.  "When is the last time that I confronted someone who hurt me?"  If you cannot think of a recent occurrence then you might be walking in brokenness.

Arrogance

Whether one walks in arrogance because they are trying to hide their ineptitude/brokenness or if it is because we think we are better than others, the result is usually the same - blame and/or retaliation.  I know, looking into my past, that I have often cut off those who hurt or disappointed me.  People walking in arrogance think forgiveness is weakness.  I have heard people utter the words, "I will never forgive them!"  Arrogance doesn't make allowances for reconciliation or it demands so much that reconciliation isn't possible.  

For the person walking in arrogance so as to hide their faults, they are afraid to confront someone.  They are afraid of refusal or having to further compromise their life.  For the arrogant person who thinks they are better than others, they cannot imagine that they could be wrong so when they are offended, it will require some form of retribution to punish the offending party to ensure they will not let you down or offend you again.  Arrogance isn't interested in reconciliation is focused on self-love and self-protection.

Two of the ways I see arrogant people getting retaliation is to demand apologies - especially the kind that shame the offender - or to demand some sort of recompense like; "You must bring me gifts every day to prove your love for me and to make up for what you have done." Not that recompensing those wronged it a bad thing, but the demanding of it demonstrates a form of self-love that puts the arrogant person above others.  So whether you try to shame those who offend you or demand some sort of recompense for the offense, you are putting self first which will never lead to true reconciliation. 

Another thing that can trip us up when we are walking in arrogance is thinking that people purposely did something to hurt us.  Because arrogance thinks itself the most important person; the center of their universe, then everything revolves around the us/them.  So if someone hurts or offends us, it must have been done knowingly and on purpose.  It's all about me!

My wife has a helpful way to get past that.  When someone does something out of the ordinary or something we could be offended by, she just says, "May be they have gas." Which is to say maybe there is something going in the other person's life that is not readily noticeable that is affecting them.

To test whether you are walking in arrogance ask yourself this question: "When was the last time someone hurt or disappointed/failed me and I sought to be reconciled to them instead of cutting them off or retaliating somehow?"  If you have been hurt and you have chosen to cut others off or to retaliate or shame them, then you may be walking in arrogance.

The Way Less Traveled - The Way of God

In the 18th chapter of the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus gives us a model for how to deal with conflict.  Some refer to it as the "Church discipline" passage.  Referring to this passage this way creates an unfortunate expectation that somehow it's primarily the responsibility of church leadership to resolve differences.  But if we look at the passage closely we will see that Jesus' main intent was to maintain unity in the body.  Step one says "If someone sins against you, go to them tell them how they hurt you and if they listen you have won back your brother of sister." (Matt 18:15 - Preacher Al's paraphrase).  As I understand this scripture, Jesus' desire is for us to be restored to our brother or sister when they have done something to hurt or offend us.  We are not called to immediately run to others and tell them about it (that's gossip) nor are we called to just sulk about it.  Jesus wants us to do everything in our power to remain in relationship with others in the body.

So when we are walking in God's way, we want to pursue reconciliation even in the face of being deeply hurt.  And step two (Matt. 18:16) where we bring others into the problem is intended to reveal the truth, not necessarily to vindicate us.  When we are walking in God's way, we will seek godly wise counsel even if it leads to finding out we were not 100% right.  The goal remains when walking in the way, to be reconciled wherever possible.  The remaining verses of this passage deal with the individual who refuses to admit to wrongdoing even when wise counsel has determined that their actions were wrong.  At this point it becomes the determination of the Church to decide what to do with the offending individual.  If they are a cheat, a liar, a social predator, then the church has an obligation to protect the flock and expel such a person.

But for most of us trying to walk in the Way of God, I would be more inclined consider scriptures that say we are to consider others over our self or that we are to always forgive.  When Peter asks about how often we should forgive others he says, being super spiritual, "Up to seven times?"   Jesus response seems almost like overkill, "Not seven times, but seventy times seven!"  Which I take to mean "Always Forgive".  Personally it reminds me of how much and how often God is willing to forgive me, when I come back to Him.

For the child of God, who has been redeemed at a great price, forgiveness and reconciliation are the operative words when we find ourselves being hurt or offended by others.  Christ died for us while we were yet sinners (rebelling against Him).  God didn't wait for us to get our stuff together before He reached out to us.  This serves as an example for us, that we are to always, wherever possible, reach out and try to be reconciled to our brothers and sisters in Christ.   The Way of Christ is the way of love.