Dealing with Transgressions Part I - When people hurt us

Life can be pretty hard.  Its not bad enough that we grow old and lose control of our bodies.  To add insult to injury there seems to be people all around us who manage to make life difficult and seem to almost go out of their way to hurt us.  What is even sadder is that many of these people are in the body of Christ.

Jesus warned us that this life would have difficulties.  He himself suffered insults and injury from the people He came to save.  For that matter before we came to Christ, we were counted as enemies of God.  So how does God want us to face these difficult people and situations?  How should we respond to those whose actions hurt or disappoint us?

In this series titled "Walking in the Way" I will continue to compare the three paths: Walking in defeatedness, walking in arrogance and walking in the way of God.  Each has its own response to being hurt or disappointed by others.  If you are a Christian then your response should be consistent with with Christ's teaching.  But sometimes we don't always walk in that; instead we walk in our flesh and do what seems right to us.  We either use the model we saw are parents use or we swear an oath of sorts in how we will deal with people who hurt us in the future; swearing that we will never let that happen again.  I would like to challenge you to read my perspective on the two paths that are not God's way and see if you may not be walking in them.  I know that I have found myself walking in them from time to time.  I will conclude with the path less traveled - The Way of God - and give some suggestions in how we might better glorify God in our lives as we deal with difficult people and situations.

Note: You may notice below that I switch back and forth between 3rd, 2nd and 1st person.  I have done this purposely to show that its not just others nor is it just us; the shoe may fit on either foot.

Brokenness

When a person is walking in brokenness, they don't know how to confront or to make amends.  When they are hurt, chances are they will just withdraw.  When we are walking in brokenness our expectations are not very high.  Oh, we would like to be loved and treated well, but the soul suffering from brokenness kind of says, "Go a head, everyone else does."  

Those walking in brokenness really won't ordinarily confront others.  When we walk in brokenness our expectation is that the wrongs of the world are just too great (for us or God) and there is nothing that we can really do about it.  Even if someone apologizes for their actions the person walking in brokenness may say "It's okay".  We say this not because its really okay, but rather because we are more afraid of offending the party that hurt us than receiving justice.  When we are walking in brokenness we somehow expect to be abused or over looked.  

When we walk in this place of brokenness, we would like God or someone to vindicate us, to make things right, but we lack the faith or resolved to do anything about it.  To test if you are walking in brokenness  ask yourself this question.  "When is the last time that I confronted someone who hurt me?"  If you cannot think of a recent occurrence then you might be walking in brokenness.

Arrogance

Whether one walks in arrogance because they are trying to hide their ineptitude/brokenness or if it is because we think we are better than others, the result is usually the same - blame and/or retaliation.  I know, looking into my past, that I have often cut off those who hurt or disappointed me.  People walking in arrogance think forgiveness is weakness.  I have heard people utter the words, "I will never forgive them!"  Arrogance doesn't make allowances for reconciliation or it demands so much that reconciliation isn't possible.  

For the person walking in arrogance so as to hide their faults, they are afraid to confront someone.  They are afraid of refusal or having to further compromise their life.  For the arrogant person who thinks they are better than others, they cannot imagine that they could be wrong so when they are offended, it will require some form of retribution to punish the offending party to ensure they will not let you down or offend you again.  Arrogance isn't interested in reconciliation is focused on self-love and self-protection.

Two of the ways I see arrogant people getting retaliation is to demand apologies - especially the kind that shame the offender - or to demand some sort of recompense like; "You must bring me gifts every day to prove your love for me and to make up for what you have done." Not that recompensing those wronged it a bad thing, but the demanding of it demonstrates a form of self-love that puts the arrogant person above others.  So whether you try to shame those who offend you or demand some sort of recompense for the offense, you are putting self first which will never lead to true reconciliation. 

Another thing that can trip us up when we are walking in arrogance is thinking that people purposely did something to hurt us.  Because arrogance thinks itself the most important person; the center of their universe, then everything revolves around the us/them.  So if someone hurts or offends us, it must have been done knowingly and on purpose.  It's all about me!

My wife has a helpful way to get past that.  When someone does something out of the ordinary or something we could be offended by, she just says, "May be they have gas." Which is to say maybe there is something going in the other person's life that is not readily noticeable that is affecting them.

To test whether you are walking in arrogance ask yourself this question: "When was the last time someone hurt or disappointed/failed me and I sought to be reconciled to them instead of cutting them off or retaliating somehow?"  If you have been hurt and you have chosen to cut others off or to retaliate or shame them, then you may be walking in arrogance.

The Way Less Traveled - The Way of God

In the 18th chapter of the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus gives us a model for how to deal with conflict.  Some refer to it as the "Church discipline" passage.  Referring to this passage this way creates an unfortunate expectation that somehow it's primarily the responsibility of church leadership to resolve differences.  But if we look at the passage closely we will see that Jesus' main intent was to maintain unity in the body.  Step one says "If someone sins against you, go to them tell them how they hurt you and if they listen you have won back your brother of sister." (Matt 18:15 - Preacher Al's paraphrase).  As I understand this scripture, Jesus' desire is for us to be restored to our brother or sister when they have done something to hurt or offend us.  We are not called to immediately run to others and tell them about it (that's gossip) nor are we called to just sulk about it.  Jesus wants us to do everything in our power to remain in relationship with others in the body.

So when we are walking in God's way, we want to pursue reconciliation even in the face of being deeply hurt.  And step two (Matt. 18:16) where we bring others into the problem is intended to reveal the truth, not necessarily to vindicate us.  When we are walking in God's way, we will seek godly wise counsel even if it leads to finding out we were not 100% right.  The goal remains when walking in the way, to be reconciled wherever possible.  The remaining verses of this passage deal with the individual who refuses to admit to wrongdoing even when wise counsel has determined that their actions were wrong.  At this point it becomes the determination of the Church to decide what to do with the offending individual.  If they are a cheat, a liar, a social predator, then the church has an obligation to protect the flock and expel such a person.

But for most of us trying to walk in the Way of God, I would be more inclined consider scriptures that say we are to consider others over our self or that we are to always forgive.  When Peter asks about how often we should forgive others he says, being super spiritual, "Up to seven times?"   Jesus response seems almost like overkill, "Not seven times, but seventy times seven!"  Which I take to mean "Always Forgive".  Personally it reminds me of how much and how often God is willing to forgive me, when I come back to Him.

For the child of God, who has been redeemed at a great price, forgiveness and reconciliation are the operative words when we find ourselves being hurt or offended by others.  Christ died for us while we were yet sinners (rebelling against Him).  God didn't wait for us to get our stuff together before He reached out to us.  This serves as an example for us, that we are to always, wherever possible, reach out and try to be reconciled to our brothers and sisters in Christ.   The Way of Christ is the way of love.

The Continuum

This is an idea that occurred to me sometime back and I have been refining it in an attempt to create a picture of walking with God. The continuum represents the side to side representation of our walk in life as defined in attitude. In this image I am suggesting that the middle of the road is our objective and that there are markers that let us know where the edges of the road are and I will even go on to describe what the sides of the road are.

This road, which I will refer to here as a godly attitude, is marked by two aspects or qualities. The first is humility. Humility in my simplest understanding is just that we are not sufficient in and of ourselves for anything. The scripture that I think of is "We can do nothing apart from Him."

Some see humility as a weakness. To them, it is some sort of groveling, "I am useless and helpless" kind of attitude. I see it more as a sober-minded attitude that admits that no one person can have all the answers; that no one person is the answer to all problems. As a humble person, I can admit that I don't have all the answers and be okay with myself. A humble person has no difficulty in asking for help. A humble person doesn't think that they are better than others. A humble person realizes that we are all different and we all have different gifts and abilities, but that doesn't make us better or worse than someone else especially in God's eyes. God is the giver of gifts. God is who created me. I must look to him find my value, while at the same time realizing that as his creation, I am only adequate to do what He has created me to do. Humility is freeing. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to know where to look for help.

The other key aspect of a godly attitude that I think we need to walk with faith in "The Way of God" is confidence. I find confidence in the scripture that says that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Confidence says that I trust God to help me to accomplish that which He has called me to do. Confidence says, I am confident in whom God made me to be. I am not a mistake and I can use my talents, abilities and gifts to do immeasurably more than I can think or imagine because His power is at work in me to will and to do.

So then I see us in this, tension between humility, which says I can do nothing apart from Him, and confidence, which says I can do all things through Him. To walk with a godly attitude in The Way of God we need both. Confidence helps us to be obedient and prevents us from falling into fear and condemnation. Humility helps us to avoid arrogance and thinking that we don't need God.

Walking in the way of God is then a combination of humility and confidence. Its not one or the other. The two are not opposites but rather compliments. Together they combine to give us a right perspective of self - right esteem.

This leaves us to define the two sides of the road. When we lose either confidence or humility we end up off the path. Without humility confidence can be twisted into arrogance. Arrogance says "I don't need anyone else, I am sufficient in and of myself to face anything". Arrogance says, "I don't need God." Its idolatry where we elevate ourselves to godhood. We become our own god. It doesn't make us necessarily atheists, but such an attitude makes dependence on God a weakness instead of a strength. There is much more I would like to say about arrogance and it causes and consequences, but I will have to leave that for a later article.

Now on the other side of The Way of God there is, for lack of a better word, "Brokenness." When we try to live lives without confidence in God and who God has made us to be we fall into this defeated mindset that seems to say "Even God can't help me." People who have strayed off the path here may want God's help and even cry out for it, but they really don't believe it will come, because they have no confidence in Him. One might even say they have more confidence in their ability to fail than in God's ability to help them.

Now my objective in this article is not to condemn anyone who gets off the path. It's more an attempt to help people recognize when they are in "The Way of God" or off the path. Our walk with God is a constant effort to seek His Face and His Will. To do so we have to die to ourselves in a act of humility and trust and we must rise in to a new life where we are more than conquerors. To live such a life takes being self-aware and working at examining ourselves and asking God for guidance. I pray that I have given you some tools to help you in your pursuit to follow God. Tools that will help you find your way.

Trying to catch up

I have been out of the country for a bit. Then before I could fully catch my breath, I was off to take care of my mother for a couple of weeks, where I managed to pick up some nasty bug that attacked my lungs and made me sound like I was talking from the bottom of a well, or trying out for the base position on a barbershop quartet. So I really haven't had a chance to sit down and write some serious additions to this series of articles. I have been writing more and more down in my notebooks so that I can bog on these insights that God is granting me. So I should be posting something quite soon as I am already wrestling with more concepts of what is means to "Walk in The Way".

Introduction to walking in the way.

I have been thinking more and more about what it means to "Walk in The Way". In Apostolic times the new church was called "The Way". And I have a lot of ideas about what it means to "Walk in The Way" or to live in a way that pleases God. But before I talk about how we determine if we are actually walking "in The Way" I thought it would be more important to examine why do we do this, or what is the ultimate purpose of "Walking in The Way"

God's purpose for us
I am not sure that everyone will agree with me on this, but I think primary our belief in God is not so much that He exists, but rather that He created us to be in relationship with Him. In Genesis we see God walking in the Garden looking for Adam. In the Gospel of John we are told that God so loved us that He sent is only begotten Son to die for us. When God loves us, its not like a human loves chocolate or even as a person loves their pet, but rather as a parent loves their child. He wants to converse with us. He wants us to live out the life He has intended for us. He wants us to succeed in the plans He has for us. Now this does not describe the whole of God's purpose in us. I really think that as He is eternal and His thoughts are not our thoughts, that we can never know the fullness of Him and his purposes. But we can know Him as much as much He is willing to reveal Himself in The Holy Bible (The Word of God), in worship, in prayer and in the person of the Holy Spirit.

Primary theme of this post
• God The Father's primary purpose is for us to be in relationship with Him
• Jesus, God the Son, points us to the Father
• God the Holy Spirit points us to the Father through Jesus Christ
• The Bible's most important purpose is to point us into a relationship with God the Father through Jesus Christ, the Son of God by the guiding of the Holy Spirit
• One of the biggest obstacles to our coming into relationship with God the Father and living as his children is people misusing the Bible for their own gain or desires.

I am a trinitarian. I believe that God is the one true God who exists eternally in three persons; Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Now in the realm of relationship I believe that what is most important is that God the Father desires for us to be in relationship with Him. To that end I believe that God wants us to come into his presence (as much as possible in this earthly realm) and to commune and communicate with Him. We see the authors of the Psalms sharing practically every human emotion as they pour their hearts out to God. In the New Testament we see God speaking to his followers through the third Person of the Trinity - the Holy Spirit.

So as I look at the Godhead and consider the workings of each part of Him, I see a theme at work. As God the Father desires relationship with us, so then each of the other aspects of the Godhead point to God the Father. Jesus tells us that if we want to see The Father, then we can look at Him. Jesus tells us that He is the way, the truth and the life. In this I see an image of Jesus pointing to the Father and saying, "This is the way." Jesus made a practice of talking to The Father and then saying and doing what He heard The Father say and did. It's as if Jesus looks at us and then points to The Father to say, "This is the way".

I see a similar role in the Holy Spirit. Like The Son, The Holy Spirit is also God, but He is not The Father nor is He The Son. Now Jesus told us that He would send the Paraclete to help us. He also said that the Holy Spirit would remind us of everything that Jesus said, as if pointing to Jesus (who is pointing to The Father) to say, "He is the way."

And God didn't leave it there, Through the work of the Holy Spirit, men wrote the scriptures. They are an account of humanity's relationship with God, the good and the bad of it. But to me, I see the Bible then serving a primary purpose of pointing us towards the Godhead. I sincerely believe that when the Bible is not used with the intent of bringing more and more people in to a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, by the ministry of the Holy Spirit, then we misuse it. The Bible was given to us that we might know God better. I believe it has other purposes as well, but for me this is its primary purpose - to point us to God.

Now Jesus gave The Church (his body) apostles, prophets, evangelists pastors and teachers to prepare us for works of service. But whose works? Obviously these are the good works that God has prepared in advance for his people to do. Well, obvious to me. Too often I see the people who say they are leaders in God's church trying to divert God's people and pervert God's Word. Too often I see men and women saying look at me or using the Bible to say, "See I am right!" If the leaders in the church are not pointing us to God first, then no matter how well intentioned their efforts may be - they are wrong. We who believed we have been called into God's service must first be pointing people into relationship with God. Then we can prepare them for the works of service that God has foreordained them to do. I firmly believe that works come out of right relationship with God the Father, through Jesus Christ and the workings and giftings of the Holy Spirit. And like the apostle James, I believe if there are no good works there is no relationship. Works are not the proof our our relationship, as many do good works thinking that it proves they know God. But good works are an outcome of that relationship.

The greatest commandment is to love God and love our neighbors as ourselves. All of The Law, The Prophets and The Writings boil down to this simple premise. But to love someone you must be in relationship with them otherwise you are just a fan. God doesn't want fans, He wants men and women, girls and boys, to know Him as their/our Heavenly Father. I firmly believe that it is out of this eternal and heavenly relationship that all of our good works will flow. As we love God, it becomes possible to love people; even our enemies. This relationship is where we will find the strength and the power and the knowledge to live as children of God. Without the relationship we are nothing more than a God fan club and nothing really eternal or truly good can come of it. As fans we will make our club exclusive only admitting those we deem worthy. As fans, we will fixate on the form of our fanaticism rather than what walking out the dictates of an eternal relationship with the Godhead.

There are rights and wrongs in this relationship. Some are more obvious than others. The Apostle John tells us that we must love our brothers (and sisters) as ourselves otherwise there is no evidence of God in us - we are not in relationship with Him. I hope to explore more of these concepts in this blog, looking at what it means to "Walk in the way of God" which to me means walking in relationship with God. I believe as we examine the written Word of God, we will see road side markers that help us stay on the path so to say. Each of the articles that will follow will examine a different aspect of our relationship with God and hopefully help us stay in "The way of God"

To God be the Glory and the Honor, Amen