Dealing with Transgressions Part II - When our actions and choices hurt others

As I consider the "Way of God" (walking in confidence and humility) I can see where it applies to so many situations.   My hope for the following blogs is to touch on many of these topics -- to look at them from all three perspectives; from the brokenness, the arrogant and from Godly ways.  I remind you that I see both the arrogant and the brokenness perspectives as forms of idolatry.  The person walking in brokenness sees his or her problems as being too big for God to handle or maybe they think that they are so bad that God would never want to help them.  The arrogant person appears to think that they don't need God and that they themselves are the answer to every problem that comes their way.  Both of these kinds people are difficult to be around, but both need God's love.

But my intent here is not to point out these people's flaws so that we can condemn them nor is it specifically my intent to bring understanding of them.  I am more concerned with encouraging all of us to "examine our ways" to see if our attitudes and actions really line up with what I believe to be God's best for us.  What are we walking in?  Is it humility and confidence or is it fear, doubt, worry unbelief and self-deception?

I would like to point out that we all may move in one of these three paths from time to time, depending upon the circumstances, our abilities and/or our mood.  My intent is not to label people walking these paths.  My hope is that through this article that you will recognize which path you are walking in and will work to cooperate with God's ways.  Now on to this post's topic which is"How do we react or walk when we realize that we have caused someone else pain, or difficulty?"

Jesus promised us that we would have difficulties in this world, but his Holy Spirit and his teachings encourage us to be those who overcome life's trials; not that we will always succeed.  One of the harder types of difficulties we have to deal with are transgressions; where either someone does something that hurts us, or where we do something that hurts someone else.  Often times we want to take issue with the intent saying, "Oh they meant to do that!" or "That wasn't really MY intent!"  Here I will examine the notion of our being the transgressors.

Brokenness

When a person is walking in brokenness, they don't know how to or are unable to confront or to make amends.  I believe that while people are walking in brokenness, they/we have difficulty seeing how to deal with others' needs.  They/we are barely maintaining their/our own lives.  In fact their/our lives may be completely out of control.  When dealing with others they/we don't mean to cause offense but they/we just can't seem to see past their/our own wants and desires (which is often wrongly categorized as "needs").  These wants and desires are mostly "felt needs."  They/we think they/we need this or that to live or to be happy.  Consequently we/they do things that may offend or harm others while trying to attain those felt needs.

When we are walking in brokenness  we feel bad when we are caught.  We are not truly sorry for our actions.  We might feel sorry that we got caught or we are sorry that our actions have resulted in a break in relationship.  Broken people won't often seek to apologize, rather they hope that no one will notice. They hope that the topic won't be brought up, it will be forgotten or that others won't know that they were responsible.  When confronted, a broken person may feign ignorance of the situation or act appalled.  When confronted they/we may act sheepish, embarrassed or may break into tears.  Broken people may also apologize profusely and pledge to make it right.  The reality is that when we are walking in this path, we are really not thinking about true restoration, but rather merely hoping that the problem will go away by itself.

Arrogance

When we are walking in arrogance the creed seems to be "It wasn't my fault" or "You deserved it!"  Like the person walking in brokenness, arrogance see oneself as the most important person.  The way it presents is quite different though.  While the person walking in brokenness seems to feel some sort of guilt for what they did, the person walking in arrogance refuses to take responsibility.  Sometimes they will try to shift the blame back on to the offended person.  

I really think there are two paths leading into arrogance.  The first is fear; fear of being found out.  When we walk in this kind of arrogance we know we are wrong, but fear to face the consequence of being found out.  So we deny that we have done anything wrong, and refuse to make amends  because that would be an admission of wrongdoing.

The second path into arrogance is self-deceit.  We find ourselves here when we become so convinced of our rightness that there can be no admission of wrong.  "I know I am right so therefore I can do no wrong."  I find myself walking in this when I become convinced that I am the expert on a particular topic.  

Regardless of how a person comes to find themselves walking in the way of arrogance, the results are the same.  They can admit no wrong doing.  They refuse to accept that something is their fault.  They  see no need to try to reconcile.  Our thinking when we are walking here is often "They (the offended party) just need to get over it and move on."

The Way Less Traveled - The Way of God

One of the significant motivations of someone walking in the ways of Jesus is to maintain relationship (loving others).  This is consistent with the greatest commandment.  When we transgress against someone else, even if it was unintentional, chances are we have done something to break fellowship.  If we do nothing to right any wrong, caused by selfishness or simple oversight, then we are failing to love our neighbor.  Christ calls for us to love even our enemies, so then love demands some sort of action.

In the "Sermon on the Mount" in Matt. 5:23-25 Jesus tells us that if we are approaching God with our gift/worship and in that moment we remember/realize that someone else has something against us then Jesus tells us to leave our gift at the altar and to go and be reconciled with our brother or sister.  This is huge.  Jesus is telling us that we cannot have a relationship with God when we have broken relationship with others. The Apostle John tells us in his first epistle that if we hate another member of the faith, then we don't love God, or that the Love of God doesn't dwell in us.

Before I continue, I remind you that we cannot walk in the ways of God, without God's help.  Jesus sent us the the Holy Spirit to dwell in us, to both remind us of Christ's teaching and to give us to power to walk in his ways.  This is not some human philosophy that we practice out of sheer force of will.  It is a cooperative work between God and us.  He lays out the ways we are to live, then He grants us the power to keep his commandments.  God's desire for us to be reconciled with one another stems out of God's purposes at work in us.  He created us to live in community, He gave us rules for living with one another and through Christ's death and resurrection He is made us capable of living together.  We are new creations made in or remade in His Image. We are empowered to enter the process of redemption and renewal so that we will be the people whose lives are a manifestation of The Love of God.   

So then, as God's redeemed people we must do everything in our power and with God's strength to repair godly relationships.  Christ died to pay the price of everyone's sin.  He lived a life of example for us to follow and sent the Holy Spirit to testify to the truth of God's ways.  Now I am not saying that we need to live in the fear of hurting someone else's feelings, but I am saying that we must take others into consideration when we chose to act or speak.  Our actions or lack of them, affect others.  Our words have the power to heal or to hurt.

As I understand Scripture, the only way we can accomplish this is to dwell in and live out humility.  Humility says that I am not the most important person.  Humility says that all people have value in God's eyes and so I must treat them as such.  Humility is the way of love.  It doesn't demand it's one way but instead seeks the betterment of others.  I don't mean that we become solicitous and bow and grovel around other people or lie to them trying to win their approval.  Rather I am saying that we all need to recognize that every human being, regardless or race, gender or national origin is made in the image of God.  When we dishonor other people, snub them or take advantage of them, we dishonor not only them, but we dishonor God in our lives.

Now looking at others as beings created in the image of God, doesn't mean we have to do whatever they ask of us.  If anyone asks us to do something immoral or illegal then we are not under obligation to comply.  For example - if an alcoholic asked you for booze or for money to buy booze your are under no obligation to do that but as a God honoring person you can and should look for ways to help such a person.  You could buy them a meal, you could talk to them about Christ, or you could help them get in touch with an organization that could help them like AA or Teen Challenge.  Helping others is not giving them what they want; it's giving them what they need.

Getting back to the topic at hand.  When we have done something to injure, insult, malign or otherwise hurt someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally, Jesus puts the requirement on us to make amends as soon as we realize that we were the source of someone else's pain.  The objective in Christ's sight is always, what can you do to restore relationship.  Too often we get stuck on who was right and who was wrong.  Christ's sacrifice on the cross makes that irrelevant. He has paid for our sins and he has paid for the sins others have committed against us.  We are then obligated to try to restore godly relationships whatever it may cost us.

Abusive Relationships

I will offer one caveat.  We are not obligated to restore abusive relationships.  We are required to forgive our abusers, but we don't have to submit ourselves to emotional and physical abuse in our efforts to restore relationships.  So if you were the abuser then do not demand that others be restored to you.  You must first be "cured" or "healed" of your abusive nature before seeking to be restored to those you abused.

Seeking Help

Finally I would also suggest that you do not try to restore difficult relationships on your own.  Find a pastor, counselor or elder who demonstrates wisdom and peace to help you.  Christ gave us each other and the gifts of the Spirit so that we could help one another and build up the people in the body of Christ.  And keep in mind that the goal (wherever possible) is the restoration of godly relationship.